Making Waves: A Conversation with Kim Cross about “Title Waves,” Caregiving, and Grief
Some quotes in this interview were edited for clarity.
June is recognized as Title IX Month to commemorate the 1972 civil rights law that prohibits sex-based discrimination in education. Nearly half a century later, “Title Waves” follows the story of the 2018 class-action case A.B. v. Hawai’i DOE. The main plaintiff, Ashley Badis, her family, and her team fought to gain equal access to facilities, continuing the trailblazing efforts of those who came before them, like former Hawaiʻi lawmaker Patsy Mink. “Title Waves” is a multimedia feature presented by Long Lead and AAPI reporter Kim Cross. Cross is a New York Times best-selling author and journalist. She also teaches feature writing and narrative non-fiction. Over Zoom, Cross caught up with Envi to discuss how she balanced caregiving and grieving her late mother while reporting on “Title Waves.”
Behind the Story
Kim Cross spent most of her childhood between Alabama and California. As an only child, she recalls having an early fear of her mom dying. “I remember lying in bed in kindergarten being like oh my god, one day my mom’s gonna die,’’ she shared. Adding, “I don’t know how I’m gonna survive.”
In December, a month before Cross’s planned trip to Hawaiʻi, her mother, who had been declining with Alzheimer’s, had an accident at their house and later died from her injuries. Her mother’s birthday was on December 29, and she passed away a week before Christmas. With everything happening all at once, Cross weighed whether she should cancel the trip.
Ultimately, she chose to go to Hawaiʻi. “Nothing’s going to be gained by delaying it. I’m still going to be sad. And maybe getting to Hawaii and getting some sunshine will actually do me some good.” Cross shared how her mother was very excited about the story. While she didn’t know the intricacies of Title IX, she was very excited and happy to support Cross’s work.
As a non-local reporter, Cross acknowledged and embraced the depths of her own ignorance. She was hyperaware that Hawaiʻi is one of those places where outsiders come in with a lot of self-fulfilling assumptions or don’t appreciate that the culture is very different. Growing up in a small town in Alabama, she understood the protectiveness. “Whenever people, especially from the North, come down and write stories about Alabama, I feel this defensiveness like they’re going to get it wrong again. They’re just going to parachute in, find what they’re looking for, but miss the subtler nuances. And when they do get it right, I really appreciate it.”
Beginnings of “Title Waves”
looking at the ocean while holding a water polo ball on Ewa Beach.
Photo by Jenny Sathngam
The story was first presented to Cross by David Wolman and Story Bureau. Wolman, who also lives in Hawaiʻi, brought the story to Long Lead. He and John Patrick Pullen, founding editor of Long Lead, pushed for a woman writer. Then, they found Kim Cross.
As a life long athlete, both nationally and internationally, Cross had written other works about the fight of gender-equality in sports. “Living in Idaho, I often miss really big stories. For them to find my work and realize that they thought I was the right writer for the piece, I’m so grateful.”
Long Lead is a journalism studio dedicated to finding, financing, producing, and publishing independent, in-depth reporting. Cross loved how stories could be dynamic through video, movement, and historical photos. She highlighted Long Lead‘s commitment to meticulously fact-checked and reported long-form journalism, her specialty. Cross later added that their fact-checking process was very rigorous, even more so than the New York Times Magazine, and applauded the team’s hard work.
“Being able to do this story with them and to work with the team of editors, producers, fact-checkers, videographers, and art directors made the story what it is,” she noted.
Mothers and Daughters
One of the motifs in “Title Waves” is the relationship between mothers and daughters. Stories that explore mother-daughter dynamics, especially in AAPI communities, are still underrepresented.
When researching Patsy Mink, Cross came across a video of Wendy Mink, her daughter, telling a story of her mother. During the 1975 vote to preserve Title IX, Patsy Mink received a call that her daughter had gotten into an accident. This ultimately left Patsy Mink to rush to her daughter. However, the amendment to gut Title IX passes by one vote in her absence. Thankfully, a recall vote was initiated and tipped in Patsy Mink’s favor.
Cross also felt a strong connection between Ashley Badis and her mother, Caron Badis. She admired Caron’s ability to be both strong and kind. “She [Caron] just seems so soft, kind, and sweet. But man, there’s a fierceness to her and her ability to defend her girls,” Cross described. Adding, “… she [Caron] felt it was important to instill in her girls the importance of standing up for yourself and speaking up. And fighting for what’s right and what’s fair.”
“I love those two examples of mothers balancing. It’s always a balancing act because strong women tend to get backlash. And yet they, both Patsy and Caron, had this kind of grace to them. They could be strong, but they could do it with grace. And that’s a hard thing to do,” Cross said.
Memory of a Goldfish
While reporting on this story, Kim Cross became her mother’s caregiver and later grieving her passing. “That was really uniquely hard,” she admitted. She has been through hard things before. She recalled having to write her first feature about Christmas in Kansas City when her grandmother was dying. Her father also passed away from cancer years ago.
“With her Alzheimer’s, it’s such a cruel disease because it punishes the caregiver. The people who love the patient and care the most are the ones who bear the brunt of it,” she expressed.
“When she moved in with us, it was scary to leave the house. I hired a caregiver who would come in a couple days a week. But when she wasn’t there, I was afraid, if I left, I would come home and she would not be there or something would happen,” she said.
Cross wrote a piece called “Memory of a Goldfish.” The story stemmed from her time as a coach for her son’s mountain biking team. After every race, she would ask her son what things he did well and what he could improve. He answered, “Someone made a dirty pass and almost made me crash. I was really mad. But then I just kind of held it together and left it on the trail behind me.” Cross asked her son how he did that. “Memory of a goldfish. An athlete just needs to remember what happened in the last 10 seconds,” he said.
Cross was impressed with her son. But when she told this to another mother friend, her friend said “that’s from Ted Lasso.” Nonetheless, she found herself taking her son’s advice and reframing her mom’s illness. “My mom has a memory of a goldfish, she will forget what happened 10 seconds ago.”
Healing in Water
When her mother fell down the stairs, Cross received the call while reporting in California. She quickly abandoned the trip and came home. Her mother didn’t have a DNR (do not resuscitate), leaving Cross to make the tough decision to pull the plug.
Through her fog of grief, she knew her mother wouldn’t want her to sit home and cry. “I’m going to be sad forever. But at least I can be sad in Hawaiʻi. When I was there, I took a little pill bottle of her ashes. I want to scatter them. She loved water.”
Her editor suggested Cross should surf with Ashley Badis and her family. It would be a bonding experience, a chance to see them in their element, and also honor her mother.
In Hawaiʻi, scattering ashes in the water is normal. It’s called a paddle out. Before she sprinkled her mom’s ashes, Cross was straddling her board and said, “Mom, I miss you, but youʻre always with me.” As one singular tear fell, she was greeted by a little rouge wave that bucked her. Cross found herself laughing at a moment that was supposed to be sad. Her mom was a practical jokester, and Cross felt her spirit. Ashley mentioned that in Hawaiʻi, that spirit is called mana.
“I carry her ashes with me and whenever I’m near water I sprinkle a little bit in. I’ve done it in Alaska. I feel not sad but also not not sad,” Cross shared. Adding that it’s sad yet beautiful.
New Joys and Hobbies
Kim Cross was a mountain bike instructor for years and stepped down as a coach. When it started to feel like work for her, she discovered river surfing. “I spend so many hours sitting in a chair staring at a screen that I just can’t wait to get outside.” Additionally, she also learned how to surf skate. Initially, she was very scared to do it, but it brought her pure joy. “It’s never too late to learn these things.”
Due to all her traveling, Cross canʻt find herself getting a new dog. But she does approve of dog sharing. Her old student has her dream dog, a miniature Australian shepherd. If she travels, Cross takes in Hopper. Recently, she trained Hopper to push her while she trains in surf skating.
Goals and Dreams
Beyond her dreams and writing, Cross mentioned wanting to pay it forward when it came to connecting women writers. “My goal is to support and encourage other women. Because I think we have to fight harder and be louder and overcome more barriers to get to the same place that men do.“
Kim Cross’s biggest dream is to find a way to Japan and write. Some of her ideas include a fellowship or writing about food. “It’s my dream to go to Japan and find some stories and maybe do a writing residency or teaching or retreat.”
While Cross hinted at working on a book, she currently posts short-form stories on her Instagram. She also has her free monthly newsletter, The Waterproof Notebook, where she talks about outdoor adventure sports and narrative craft.
Want to read more women writers? Read Enviʻs author spotlight on Zoulfa Katouh!
